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update

ive been sick way too often this past month.

ive been having nightmares nightly about getting into or being involved in a car crash

painting the house, have to paint my room later this week, i never want to paint again

will asked me to be his boyfriend again, even if we have an open long distance relationship, im thinking no....

im about to play smak-a-ho with my brothers girlfriend, she's being a bitch cuz i complained about having to hear them fucking EVERYNIGHT so ima put her in her place

on a side note, i know how to stand up for myself now to the people i care about, with thanks to Trisha and Randy who helped me grow.

anyone know a good looking, good guy they can send my way? i could use one (but couldnt we all hehe)

hmmmm

I havent posted on here in months. i Dont know why, just havent felt like it i guess. SO! since i dont think iev posted since i returned from germany here's whats going on.

-I got kept on at Costco after the holiday season, I work in the Deli at the carmel mtn store.
-turned 21 in december
-have yet to find a new boyfriend, but i've had a few 'adventures' so far
-im working towards stabilizing myself financially (ie paying off my grandma, car, and credit card) as well as acquiring somethings before i try to find a place to move out to (ie new tv, computer, bed, dresser, etc)
-i miss europe, i really want some damn SCHNITZEL UUUUUGH
-love the rainy weather, its makes SD greener
-going to brutally murder my brother soon for being a lazy asshole
-my parents house is torn apart cuz they owners are putting in tiled wood flooring O_o it looks ugly so far (although it cant be worse than pink carpet...can it?) and we have to keep moving the hordes of CRAP we have in each room to other rooms in the house while they work in specific areas, including my bedroom -_-. 3 weeks of this crap...
-got and watched the whole series of six feet under, its one of the best shows ever, next to Heroes, i HIGHLLLLLY recomend it to everyone.
-started using kinoki footpads, they are awesome www.buykinoki.com for more info on them
-my body feels like its falling apart, work is kicking my ass.
-had my first pedicure the other day...it was nice o_o
-Costco is secretly a Nazi organization with intent to cause its employees to implode
-ichiban is the shit, mmmm sushi
-i have rekindled relationships with some friends from as far back as middle school
-im lonlely, happy, easily irritated, occasionaly anti-social, with more energy than usual
-still havent gone back to school
-i want to get a siamese kitten =o

leave it to my mother

so i have no 'home' to go home to now, i told my mom about my earrings and my tat and she might as well have just disowned me, but being gay is something she could "put up with", earrings and a tat are just way too much. so i dont know what im doing anymore, im putting in my two weeks notice today, or i was sure i was going to , but im not 100% sure anymore. maybe ill wait a bit to think it through more. /sigh, when are things gonna start going my way?

meh

my biggest regret, and the thing that haunts me most to this day, is that when i left SD for germany, i felt like iabandoned all the people who turned to me to help them with what was wrong with their lives, but there were so many that it almost became too much to handle. and i feel like the worst person in the world for it. i do however have advice for you all, albeit drunken advice, when you wage war against yourself, the only way to end it is to forgive yourself, but finding the strength to do so can be harder than trying to win a war all together. there is so much more i wish i could say right now...but i just cant type the words. ill just end this with the fact that alcohol is a blessing and a curse

hm...

weird....defines everything right now

new stuffs

im being trained to be a supervisor at my job! its about damn time too. however its not guaranteed im going to get the promotion, first they are going to train me and then decide if after being trained, that im good enough for the job. i just watched Silent Hill, it was AWESOME, i loved it, i think i got it all figured out, Will was completely lost. i ordered Noah's Arc the first season, im still waiting for it to come, i hear its supposed to be better than QAF, but we'll see.

falling harder and harder

last night was bad, i did something really stupid and i hate myself for letting me get to that point. it feels so hopeless right now

omg something good happened

11 months ago my credit rating was in the low 300s and now its at a 612, which isnt great but at least its alot better. i applied for a loan for 2 grand, hopefully i get it, so i can pay will the 1300 i now owe him and have some to start trying to find a cheapass car to last me 6 moer months.

so tired

I've had enough of being the guy who cares more for other people than they care for me. Im so angry at the world right now. when i was a kid i was ignored by my parents for drugs, when i was in high school i was ignored by my best friends for drugs, and now AGAIN im being ignored by my best friend so she can ditch me to hang out with someone she does nothing but bitch about so she can get some weed all the time. FUCK IT! im so angry, im so depressed, i just want my friends back, i want san diego back. i got drunk last night and cried on my way to the club because there were 3 people i was thinking about who i miss so much. im tired of being the convienient friend.

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